


I still remember where my heart used to be

by AWalkingParadox



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, inthink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 20:08:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20879966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AWalkingParadox/pseuds/AWalkingParadox
Summary: Why was he? Peter fidgets with the many rings on his fingers, thinking of how to respond. Because of you, he want to say. Because I kept thinking of you. Because your room is right across mine and every night, I wonder what it felt like to hold you, to share your warmth. To not feel alone in my own bed.





	I still remember where my heart used to be

“Nureyev.”

The ship is shrouded in darkness, lit only by the stars. Peter Nureyev sits by himself, palm against the glass’ cold surface. He did not notice Juno come in. So he startles when he hears the padded footsteps. 

“Juno? How-How long have you been standing there?”

Juno looked as beautiful as always. His hair was mussed and his skin dusted from the rubble of their failed heist, but goddamn it all he looked good. 

“A bit.” 

Even now, looking at him, Peter could feel his heart tearing into himself. The memories and the emotions he’s worked so hard to contain threatens to spill over, and he isn’t sure what would happen if they did. 

“Would you like to join me?”

He isn’t sure why he asks, isn’t sure if he could keep his chest from ripping open, isn’t sure if he wants to keep the distance they’ve attained. He wants to hold the ex detective in his arms, explore those scars and the stories they hide, feel those fingers intertwine with his, wake up to his smile and the gleam in his eye.

He wants to feel whole again.

Juno looks wary. After all that’s happen, it’s warranted. It’s understandable. It hurts.

“Sure.”

Peter crouches down, folding his legs and rests his palms on the floor. Juno hesitates, before walking over and doing the same. 

The air turns somber. Like all noise had been stripped away.

“Why are you awake?” Juno asks. 

Why was he? Peter fidgets with the many rings on his fingers, thinking of how to respond. Because of you, he want to say. Because I kept thinking of you. Because your room is right across mine and every night, I wonder what it felt like to hold you, to share your warmth. To not feel alone in my own bed. I missed you.

“I couldn’t sleep. And you?”

“Same.” 

Juno sighs, hugging his knees to his chest. His sweater envelopes him, and he drowns in the cloth. He looked so small. And yet, Peter knew the strength those scarred hands carried, the strength Juno Steel, a lady the universe tried over and over again to destroy, had. 

“I kept thinking about the past.”

When have we ever stopped?

“What part of the past?”

“My home. My brother.”

It is understandable. You have lost so much. You’ve left your home behind. You have every right to grieve.

“You.”

“Me?”

Mags taught him to never get attached. He said that you could only have what you’re sure you owned. That you can only own what you’re sure is yours. 

And Juno Steel was never his. Juno Steel belonged to Hyperion City. He belonged to Mars. He belonged the weight on his shoulders, that claws of the City that would eat him alive. 

“Yeah. I was thinking about Miasma.”

Peter flinches. 

“I was thinking about what happened after. I never really did apologize for that, did I?”

“You don’t have to.” Please, Detective. I’m afraid I might fall apart. 

Juno turns to him, and there’s so much in his eye. There’s hope and fear and trust, all wrapped up in the gentle way he looks at Peter. Like he loved him.

“I do.”

Peter stays silent. His lips are the dam that holds all the words he dares not say.

“I really did want to leave with you, Nureyev.” Why didn’t you? “I wanted to travel every planet with you, jump the stars, see it all, with  you .” 

“ Why did you leave?” He hates how small his voice is. Hates how shakes like a new born fawn. 

“I had to stay.” Juno curls in on himself, looking impossibly small against the infinity of space. 

“It wasn’t you, Nureyev. It was never you. You have to believe me.” He says, “My home...” and then he sighs,

“For the longest time, my home wasn’t home. It was a cage, a place I trapped myself in. I drank till I couldn’t feel and buried myself in work and danger so I didn’t have to realize nothing, really, was ever tying me down to Hyperion, just myself. I had-I had a sort of duty to the place. I had to do  good.  I couldn’t be enough when my brother died, I wasn’t good enough to realize I was being robbed by the very man I considered family, I wasn’t good enough. All my life all I wanted was to do good, to save others because maybe then I’ll be able to save myself. I was wrong. I was bitter, I was miserable. God, in that tomb, Nureyev, I wanted to die. I was so-so  disappointed when I didn’t and I never wanted to feel that ever again. I couldn’t go with you, Nureyev, not while I was like that. Not when I was so deep in the hole I was in I couldn’t even see you reaching for me.”

“Was I not—“ He stops, feeling the words clog in his throat, feel them push agains the barrier that holds his lips shut. 

Peter wonders what he’s supposed to feel. His chest is bursting with emotions, so many he can’t tell which is which. He doesn’t know what he feels. “You—“ he chokes out, and vaguely wonders if the warmth on his cheeks are tears, “I thought I wasn’t enough—I thought maybe-maybe you saw me for the  monster I am ,  that-that you saw the baggage and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

“Nure-Peter,  no .”And suddenly Juno is  there , cradling his face in his hands murmuring soft whispers and it’s more than Peter can take. He buries his face in the Juno chest and clutches him tight, crying months, years worth of tears.

“You were always worth it. You could be an ass sometimes,” Juno huffs a gentle laugh, “ but that was you. That was Peter Nureyev and I loved-love every part of it. I love every part of you.” 

He lift Peter’s face, so gently and earnest, pauses for a single beat and says, “I love you, Peter Nureyev.”

And he cries harder. His fingers claw weakly against the synthetic cotton, and he curls in himself, seeking the warmth he had so desperately missed. Juno’s arms wraps around him, strong and oh so warm. They hold him like he was made of glass, like he was about to shatter but they were there to catch the fragments of him. 

He doesn’t know how long they sit there, enveloped in each other, finally closing the gap they had once had. Soon he’s left hiccuping quietly, eyes dry and cheeks swollen, exhausted and relieved. 

He falls asleep this way, fingers interlocked with another’s, curled into all the ways they had fit into each other, safe and finally, whole. 

When he finally lets the darkness that tugs at his edges take him, he falls asleep know he’ll be able to see Juno once again when he wakes.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sleepy G’night yall ily


End file.
